I realized that I have been running away from facing myself. Because honestly, who wants to be lonely and single? But the fact that I was lonely BECAUSE I was single indicated that there’s something inside me that I don’t like. I thought I was fine with myself, that I loved and accepted myself. For the most part, I do. But not fully. Not completely. There’s something inside of me that made me scared to spend time with myself and to face the fact that I didn’t have someone to love me.

Well, we can’t love anyone else till we fully love and accept ourselves, right?

Summer’s as good a time as any to figure oneself out and to try to get back in touch with the part that has been lost, buried or repressed. I’m going to do my best to figure out what it is that I dislike, and to embrace it, because it’s me, and if I can’t deal with myself for the rest of my life, how am I supposed to deal with anyone else? I berate people from running away from their feelings, but hey, if you can name it, you can claim it. So I made a list of all the things I want to do this summer to rediscover that lost something inside me, and I hope that by the time fall rolls around, my world won’t be the same again and that I’ll have changed into a better person. ❤

I want to do all these things by August 25th, 2009:

    1) Sit back and watch the clouds roll by
    2) Frolic in green grass
    3) Do a lot of painting.
    4) Explore Brooklyn and Manhattan with a digital camera and my notebook
    5) Write a novel
    6) Write at least three poems and short stories
    7) Go out to eat at least once by myself
    8) Sit on a park bench for a day and look adorable.
    9) Watch the stars on top of my car
    10) Read (book recommendations are more than welcome), although I plan to crack into more David Sedaris, Michael Chabon, David Foster Wallace, and the like.
    11) Work on my Mandarin, speaking and reading. I want to learn at least two hundred characters by the end of summer, and have it stick.
    12) Finish the rough draft of a graphic novella based on my short story “Practical Alchemy.”
    13) Learn how to hem on a sewing machine so I can tailor my own clothes.
    14) Spend a day at Gaylord Hospital dropping off paper crane chains and ornaments that were made two winters ago and never got delivered.
    15) Make a hundred paper cranes, and then set them all over Brooklyn and Manhattan.
    16) Bake something yummy: cheesecake (my signature cheesecake) and cookies and brownies, and also cook more, and learn to cook super classy and delicious food (stolen from Taz, who reminded me of that!)
    17) Learn how to read Tarot properly

and so on. I’ll be adding to the list as I think of more things, and crossing out as I accomplish all of them.Frolicing!

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